Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
