i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
