U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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