I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
FUCK WHALES
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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