I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
