I smell stomach acid.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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