oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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