Kareoke will never be a sober sport
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
