Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
