She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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