Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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