I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
