jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I need moral support for this bender
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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