Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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