never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
