I wanna passion pit in your ass
People with herpes should wear stickers.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
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