if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
We just shotgunned beers for America
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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