Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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