I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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