omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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