You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
