god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
