plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
