I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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