new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
