i think i have two assholes
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
