On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
