Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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