Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
