but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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