Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
