i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
