An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
