i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
