My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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