the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I have fence marks all over my body
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
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