alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
