i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
