I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
