i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
