last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
