I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Just cropdusted the office
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
