I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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