i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
