I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
