On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
