Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
