I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I have tasted many bathrooms
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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