Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
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