GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
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